How to have smoother bedtimes with your toddlers and older kids
Bedtime for toddlers and older kids can often feel like dealing with mini dictators... but what if we flipped the script?
If bedtime in your house looks more like a three-ring circus than a calming wind-down, you’re not alone, and you are in the right place. Maybe the routine drags on forever (hello, 2-hour saga), maybe it’s a nightly battle of wills, or maybe you just don’t feel like you have the right tools to make things run more smoothly.
Here’s the good news: bedtime doesn’t have to be this way.
Let’s start with some real talk: toddlers and older kids showing defiance isn’t them being "bad" - it’s part of their healthy development. They push boundaries not to drive us bonkers (even though it feels like it!), but because it’s how they explore their independence and make sense of their world.
By saying "no" and testing the waters, they’re learning decision-making, expressing themselves, solving problems, and figuring out social rules. This boundary-pushing helps shape who they are—and that’s huge!
Now, I’m not here to promise perfection. We’re not looking for a flawless routine or a robotically obedient toddler. That’s not real life, and that’s not the goal. What we are aiming for is a smoother, calmer, more cooperative bedtime—one that makes space for your child’s growing independence and maintains your sanity.
The ABC’s of Bedtime for Toddlers and Big Kids.
These are your new go-to tools for peaceful, productive evenings:
A: Autonomy
Toddlers crave control (shocking, I know). Offer them simple choices within limits—like picking out their pajamas or choosing between two books. These little wins give them a sense of power, which helps reduce pushback.
Toddlers and big kids crave control - surprising no one who's ever tried to put socks on a determined 2-year-old. This desire for independence is totally normal (and actually healthy!), but when kids feel like they have zero say, that’s when you’ll often see the bedtime resistance kick in.
The magic lies in giving them small, manageable choices within clear limits. These little decision-making opportunities help your child feel empowered and respected, and that empowerment often leads to more cooperation—not less.
For toddlers, this might look like:
Choosing between two pairs of pajamas: “Do you want the dinosaur ones or the striped ones tonight?”
Picking the order of bedtime steps: “Do you want to brush your teeth first, or go potty first?”
Deciding which book to read: “Would you like Goodnight Moon or Where the Wild Things Are?”
For older kids, autonomy can be built into the routine like this:
Letting them choose their wind-down activity: “Would you like to color for a few minutes or read quietly before lights out?”
Giving them some control over timing: “Would you rather go up in 5 minutes or right now and have more time to play quietly in your room?”
Letting them take ownership of their space: “You can turn off the light when you’re ready to start falling asleep,” or “Would you like the lamp or the string lights on tonight?”
It’s not about letting them call all the shots—it’s about giving just enough control to help them feel involved and respected, while still keeping the structure you know they need.
The result? Less pushback, fewer power struggles, and a much smoother transition to sleep.
B: Boundaries
Clear, consistent boundaries set expectations. Bedtime isn’t optional—but within those parameters, you can build in flexibility. Try: "You don’t have to fall asleep right away, but you do need to stay in bed and rest or read quietly." Boundaries reduce power struggles and help kids feel safe and secure.
Parents are often hesitant about setting boundaries for their children (in general & in regards to sleep training). They worry that setting boundaries may create a disconnect, put a barrier between parent and child, they fear they may be too rigid, etc... Here is my response to that: Boundaries aren’t about being harsh or rigid; they are about teaching children how to navigate the world in a healthy way. When set with warmth, consistency, and empathy, boundaries help children develop self-discipline, respect, and confidence—because they learn that structure is not about punishment but about care and love.
And children thrive on consistency. When they understand what is expected of them and what is off-limits, they learn more quickly because they aren’t constantly guessing or testing limits in an unpredictable environment. Boundaries create clear cause-and-effect learning—when a rule is consistently enforced, children understand and internalize it faster. Without boundaries, they rely on trial and error, which can lead to confusion, frustration, and even anxiety.
C: Connection & Consistency
Connection comes first. A few extra minutes of snuggles, a special song, or a quick heart-to-heart can work wonders in filling your child’s emotional cup before sleep. And consistency? It’s the glue that holds it all together. Kids thrive on routine, and the more predictable bedtime becomes, the less resistance you’ll face.
Inconsistency confuses them and invites more battles. But when you stay steady—same steps, same expectations—they learn what to expect and settle in more easily.
Connection with your child, especially at bedtime, is a powerful tool for fostering cooperation and improving behavior. Toddlers thrive on feeling seen, heard, and secure, and bedtime offers the perfect opportunity to strengthen that bond.
When you spend intentional, focused time connecting with your toddler before bed, it meets their emotional needs, making them feel safe and loved. This sense of security reduces bedtime resistance because your child feels less inclined to push back—they know their needs for attention and closeness have been met.
Here’s why connection is key at bedtime:
Emotional regulation: Toddlers experience big emotions throughout the day, and bedtime is often when those feelings surface. Taking time to cuddle, talk, or read together helps them unwind and regulate their emotions, setting the stage for a smoother transition to sleep.
Building trust: When you consistently connect with your child at bedtime, it builds trust in the routine. They learn that bedtime isn’t something to fight against but a comforting end to their day.
Filling their "attention bucket": Toddlers crave your undivided attention. When you give them this focused time, even for just a few minutes, they feel fulfilled and are less likely to seek attention through stalling or defiance.
Modeling calm behavior: Your calm presence during this connection time teaches your toddler how to wind down. They mirror your energy, so if you’re calm and connected, it helps them find their own calm.
Simple acts like sharing a story, reflecting on their day, singing a lullaby, or engaging in gentle play can work wonders. This connection is more than just a bedtime routine—it’s an investment in your relationship and your toddler’s emotional well-being, leading to better cooperation not just at bedtime but throughout the day.
Pro Tip for Smoother Bedtimes: Don’t Skip the Wind-Down Time✨
One of the most overlooked parts of bedtime is the transition between high-energy activities and actual sleep—and it makes a huge difference.
Start winding things down 30–60 minutes before the actual bedtime. This means:
Dimming the lights to signal to your child’s body that sleep is coming
Turning off stimulating screens, loud music, or roughhousing
Offering quiet, calming activities like reading, puzzles, or drawing
Keeping voices and energy low to set the tone for rest
Think of it like a landing strip: kids can’t go from full-speed to full-stop without crashing. A slow, predictable descent helps their bodies and brains shift into sleep mode. You’ll be amazed how much easier bedtime becomes when there’s space to settle, decompress, and ease into the night.
The bottom line:
Your child isn’t trying to ruin your evening—they’re learning, growing, and figuring life out. With the right balance of autonomy, boundaries, connection, and consistency, bedtime can actually be… dare I say it… peaceful.
So, will you give these ABC’s a try tonight? I’d love to hear how it goes!
